With his one of a kind style and spot-on delivery Jim Gaffigan is gaining fans by the minute. There are hot comics and then there is Jim Gaffigan, a guys whose comedy is out of the land. There is not much funnier right now that Jim Gaffigan comedy and if you’ve seen him live you know what I mean. As far as comedy goes it just does not get better. With so many funny jokes out there picking them all out is quite a challenge. But here are some of my favorite Jim Gaffigan moments. Read over some of these hilarious Jim Gaffigan quotes to whet your appetite. And once you are done with these then you are definitely going to want Jim Gaffigan tickets so that you can see him do his stuff just for you!

Jim Gaffigan quotes

• But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.’
• Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides. That’s not to say that I’m anything but a Democrat, but I think there’s this condescension to middle America that’s in some ways based on myth. Every now and then you hear, “Will it play in middle America?” It’s really derogatory. “Will those dumb idiots think it’s interesting?”
• Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket.
• I love the impatience of New York… You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You’re just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy’s like, ‘HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!’ …You know like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you’re wasting HIS time. ‘Let’s go buddy! Holland tunnel!’ ‘…Uh..I-I was just going to the store… I didn’t realize it was my shift. Well, let’s see… the Holland Tunnel is in my ass… alright?
• Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Neither have I.
• I come from a very big family, nine parents.
• My wife always wants me to go to confessional – don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I don’t ENJOY lying to a holy man.
• I do feel guilty at checkout when they’re bagging all my groceries. Talk about feeling lazy. ‘Hey, thanks for putting my groceries in my bag. Yeah I could help, but I’ll just watch. I’m exhausted from picking that crap out. You wanna come home and watch me eat ‘em? I’m lookin’ for a buddy.’
• I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.’
• I was watching the animal planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don’t they just call that one the female.
• Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’
• They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning… you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket.
• Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
• I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna see that movie. I’m gonna wait for that on VIDEO.’ I mean when you think about it, it’s just a commercial for the movie. You know, you never sit at home watching tv– “Yeah… I’m not buying that cereal. I don’t like cereals with raisins in ‘em. …What’s your take on that commercial? Where you goin’?
• I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian, she was a panda.’
• I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It’s like ‘Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you’re drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event!’
• How did we get to the point where we pay for bottled water? This is more watery than water.
• I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin. That’ll grab you by the horn… what horn?
• I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. But not fish ’cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad, it still smells like fish?! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!’
• You think when gym teachers were younger, they’re thinking, ‘You know, I want to teach… but I don’t want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?
• It’s good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I’m originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H.
• Lean Pockets, I don’t even wanna know what’s in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: ‘Remove from box, place directly in toilet.’ Flush Pocket!
• Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.
• You think those walk buttons do anything? I think some guy at the government was like, ‘What can we give the morons to press? How bout a button!?’ You always press ‘em, you’re like, ‘…maybe I didn’t press it hard enough…’ Then someone will come up and be like, ‘Did you press it?’ –’Yeah, I pressed it.’ They’re like, ‘Why don’t you press it again?’–’You’re like, ‘Yeah I’ll press it again.’ Then at that point it changes and you’re like, ‘I did that. I changed the traffic in the city… I have a lot of power.’
• My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant’.
• Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
• The manatee is endangered, and I think it’s because they’re out of shape.
• There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
• We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle-here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
• What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, “Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet.”
• When you’re single, all you see is couples. When you’re part of a couple, all you see is hookers.
• You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? ‘…You better move it along, huh. My walker has wheels for a reason.” You ever walk next to that stranger who wants to walk the same speed as you? ‘…Get the f— away from me… what are we–on a date here? I don’t even know you.’
• Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.
• Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.
• You ever been walking right toward somebody and then you walk to the right, and then they walk to the right, then you walk left, and they walk left? You know how there’s like that awkward moment? Just lean forward and kiss ‘em. ‘….looked like you wanted it from my angle.’ Then when they’re walking away just hit ‘em on the ass. ‘(Pshhh) You’ll be back! You’ll be back for some of that loving.’

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